• Depression
  • Dear friend,



    Dear friend,

    As I write this, I am also reminding myself these things. Please hear me out:

    I see you struggling. I know how you feel when it seems as if the world is falling apart. No one seems to understand what you are going through. Some days you are as happy as those around you. Those days, you aren’t really faking it to make it. There is a glimmer of hope. Happiness IS attainable! Some days, you aren’t as hopeful because you are disappointed with how things are. There are also days where you have had enough, you just want to hide or sleep forever. Your body just cringes at the thought of the word interaction!

    I want to remind you of something very important today:

    You are not the sick person you think you are. What I mean is, your identity is not Mentally ill or Depressed or Suicidal or Anger or Loneliness or Bipolar or cancer or Hopeless or whatever comes to mind when you are thinking of where you are and how you are feeling!

    You are God’s beautiful creation!

    You are a Child of the King!

    You are chosen and adopted into His family!

    You are sealed with His Holy Spirit!

    You are loved!

    You are an heir to His Kingdom!

    You are and have been blessed with every spiritual blessing!

    You are who God says you are!

    You are made for a purpose and you are here for such a time as this!

    You are given life so that you are able to tell your story because you CAN make a difference!

    Wherever you are right now and whatever you are going through does NOT define who you are and what you will be!

    You matter to those around you but most of all, you matter the most to the Heavenly Father!

    Friend, I know it is hard! It’s tough! It’s discouraging at times BUT, there is Light not just at the end of the tunnel but where you are right now! Take His hand, walk with Him! He is NOT silent! He is close and He is right where you are! Speak to Him! You don’t need fancy words to tell Him how you feel, He knows, He wants you to ask Him for help! Know that He loves you so much!

    “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:17-18


    Praying for you,



  • Depression
  • OK is not enough

    There are days where things seem so easy and OK

    Often I hear that I can easily “get over it” or get told to “chill out”

    If you only knew how I really felt inside

    I feel like my whole body and my mind is going out of control

    There is an intense feeling of being “on the edge” with no particular cause or trigger

    I always fear this would be worse than the last episode

    My family, my friends, my whole surrounding is affected by this thing, called depression

    Some days, it is so easy to get going,

    To put my feet on the floor

    To take that first step into a new day

    To function as best as I can as a wife and Mom

    To even go to work

    To put a smile on my face


    There are days that are SO HARD to even see the LIGHT of day


    No, my faith is definitely not weaker in these moments

    Inside, I am begging and crying to God, my Heavenly Father, to set me free

    I am begging Him to help me

    To restore me

    I am begging Him to take this from me

    To make me whole again in my body and in my mind

    I want Him to just take this away from me

    I know He can

    I know that He is my Healer

    I know that He is bigger than this

    I know that He is definitely able

    So, while I wait

    I will continue to trust

    I will continue to hold on

    That even in these dark times, dark moments

    He is still with me

    I cling onto those promises!

    Pray for me, please!

    For you dear friend, who may be out there going through this or worse:

    Please, do not keep silent!

    Find someone to talk to!

    Get help! 

    My prayer for you as I write this:

    Wherever you are right now, lay that blade down, lay that note down, whatever it is that you are planning to take your life away-put it down!

    You’re life is important!

    You are important and you matter! 

    You are dearly loved!

    Heavenly Father, please God, encounter my dear friend wherever they are right now.

    Make Yourself known to them.

    Please, surround them with Your presence,  speak to them.

    Comfort them!

    Let them know that You created them for a purpose and that Your plans are good.

    Remind them that You have not abandoned them.

    Help them to know that Your love is so HIGH, so WIDE  and SO DEEP for them that You sent Your One and Only Son to die on the cross for them.

    That You rose again and are coming back again for us. 

    Help them to know that even in these situations where You don’t seem near or even real, that You are right where they are!

    Let them know that You are real!

    That YOU are everything they need right now! 

    Comfort them!

    In Your name, I pray,


    If you are in need of anyone to talk to, find a local Pastor or counselor or

    call National Alliance on Mental Illness at

    800-950-NAMI info@nami.org
    M-F, 10 AM – 6 PM ET
    Find Help in a crisis or Text “NAMI” to 741741 –



    Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-talk

  • Encouragement
  • From the depths…


    From the depths of my soul, I cry out to You

    Come near

    Restore me, restore my Joy

     I am holding onto You for dear life

    Storms rage all around me

    The waves of trouble are engulfing me

    Doubt, worry and stress plague and haunt me

    My heart is broken

    This night seems long

    But I will REST in You

    I will be still in the midst of all this

    I will sit at Your feet

    You quiet me with Your love, Your voice and Your singing

    I will rest my soul

    I will rejoice in these hard times

    I will rejoice because Your presence is always before me

    I won’t fear anymore

    My mourning will turn into dancing and singing

    You continue to uphold me with Your right hand

    Joy does come in the morning!

  • Encouragement
  • Don’t give up!

    We give up easier than trying…

    We don’t fight hard enough for those near and dear to us because finding a way out is easier!

    Don’t you know that there is Someone who fights for us daily? We struggle with thinking that we are alone in our situation.

    No matter how hard life knocks us, God is FIGHTING for us!

    His ultimate show of fighting for us was sending His Son to die on the cross for us with a promise of rising again after 3 days and a promise to come back again for us!

    What a VICTORY we have in Christ!!

    He didn’t give up on us!

    He WILL NEVER give up on us!

    So, wherever you are right now,

    Don’t give up!


    Keep running this race.

    Keep fighting for those things that are near and dear to you, family, marriage, life…

    Hang in there!

    Trust Him! He IS fighting for us!

  • Encouragement
  • Hard Prayers

    “Savior, He can move the mountains, My God is Mighty to save”

    May Chappell – Daddy, Bella and Gabbi singing

    We went to the emergency room close to midnight. Bella was so sick that she had to go through all these tests where they poked and prodded her everywhere. We were just being entertained by so many doctors and nurses who simply had no answers for us.

    Chris and I couldn’t let ourselves be too worried because we knew that if we showed any kind of panic or worry around Bella, it wouldn’t be good. Besides, she was singing at the top of her lungs at this point.

    My heart and my mind was out of control, though.

    For almost 5 years we prayed to have this little one. Now, she is lying on a hospital bed. We didn’t know if she was in any kind of pain either, because if you know Bella, she is just like that. She doesn’t let on how bad she hurts any where. Before the age of 2, she had 4 major surgeries on her clubfoot. When I say major, I am talking about 4.5 hours in the OR. She came out of each of those surgeries fine, smiling and sometimes laughing.

    Our couple of hours turned into almost 6 hours in the emergency room and none of those hours were we left just hanging out in the room by ourselves…I mean, the doctors and nurses were constantly drawing blood, checking her for any kind of infection, getting x-rays, etc. She just hung in there like a champ and still singing Mighty to Save.

    Finally, around 5:30am or so, we were all sent home to get some rest. We would wait to hear back about the results of some of the other tests. We saw our first sunrise in Maine that day!

    Late into the afternoon, we were all at the church cleaning and practicing for praise and worship. Clearly, Bella was not herself. She was very weak so our practice was not as productive. Gabbi was crawling everywhere with no care in the world and we were so tired from all that happened the night before.

    The phone suddenly rings with the ER doctor on the other line:

    “Are you Isabella’s Mom?”


    “Please come back to the ER right now, Isabella has bacteria in her blood and we need to start treating her right now. All her results just came back.”

    Chris and I didn’t ask questions. We just packed the girls up in the car and made our way back to the hospital.

    We got to the hospital and Bella was just as lethargic as she was when we first brought her in.

    Everything became a blur but her singing…her voice, a little weaker this time:

    “Savior, He can move the mountains, my God is Mighty to Save

    Forever Author of Salvation

    He rose and conquered the grave”

    Over and over she kept singing this…Chris and I held the miracle baby beside us and Gabbi, who was 8 months old, hung onto her sister tightly. We prayed for God to heal our little girl as the nurses started her IV line. I didn’t know at the time how to really react to what was going on…I was in pain inside.

    I had a long talk with God.

    It took ALL I could to pray this way:

    “Ok, God, I know You can heal Bella

    I know You can make her better

    But if Your healing isn’t exactly the way I think it is and Your plan is different from ours

    Then, I am OK with that

    I thank You, for gifting us a wonderful 2 years with this little determined little girl

    Do what You have to do to make her better,


    We  called our church prayer line and in NC to help pray for Bella. A friend from NC said that he was asleep and had a dream about Bella that day. He didn’t even know she was sick but knew when the phone rang Bella was not well before answering. In his dream, Bella was taken away by a big dark shadow but then a white and bigger shadow came for her and the dark shadow dropped Bella and told the white and bigger shadow, “Fine, you can have her back…” and went running away from Bella and the white bigger something held Bella tightly and close. Bella was safe and sound.

    God did something that night.

    He taught us how to completely surrender again.

    First, He taught us how to surrender almost 5 years before the desire to have children. Then, He taught us how to surrender the gifts He has blessed us with, no matter what and how that would look like.

    Bella responded quickly to the IV’s given to her but we were instructed to go to ER for the next 10 days to have her injected with high doses of antibiotics.

    Many prayed for her and the sweet little girl recovered quickly from the bacteria in her blood and after 3 days, she was able to be on oral antibiotics. God healed her, God answered the way I prayed and begged that He would.

    Knowing that Bella may not have survived that event, we are truly grateful for God’s hand on her life. We know that from the very beginning, God truly made her special. She is so determined to do a lot of things and nothing stops her. She inspires me everyday to keep going and not to let things stop me from chasing a dream or a goal! Our mountains may be high and hard to climb but with our Savior, He can move those mountains. He always saves us because He is always with us. He is the author and finisher of our faith. Keep trusting Him! Don’t give up!

  • Depression
  • Child of God

    One of my last episodes entailed a scream and a very loud cry for help.

    I was sick and tired of where I was and how I was feeling.

    I kept it all bottled in.

    Suddenly, I became a volcano that erupted with very hot lava and it just came out with a vengeance. Like the lava not only boiled inside of me, but the height at which all my emotions came was high and fast…

    I was tired.

    I was angry.

    I was sad.

    I was stressed.

    I was not myself anymore.

    Then this song came:

    “I am no longer a slave to fear

      I am a child of God

    From my Mother’s womb

    You have chosen me

    Love has called my name

    I’ve been born again into Your family

    Your blood flows through my veins

    You split the sea so I could walk right through it

    My fears were drowned in perfect love

    You rescued me so I could stand and sing

    I am a child of God”

    My biggest fear was that I would not be able to fight this good fight well because of my condition. I was afraid that I was failing at this thing called life…failing as a wife and Mom.

    But the song reminded me of something about me…I am a child of God.

    Fear has NO grip on my life.

    Fear does NOT have me.

    Fear is NOT going to kill me.

    You see, I am a child of God.

    As I have said before in other posts, I am not less of a believer in Christ because of mental illness. I am a child of the King of Kings! Sometimes in these episodes, I forget that I am His…that no matter what, He is always with me. I may not understand why things are the way they are but He sees everything. He knows what’s going on. He is always where I am and I can’t go anywhere where His presence is not around or with me! That is how much He loves me!  As far as fighting well, we just need to STAND! He is fighting for us! He has the Victory!

  • Depression
  • Just OK



    For a person who struggles daily with any kind of mental illness, there is always this voice inside that says there is little value in living.

    EVERY.SINGLE.DAY is such a struggle.
    Every day we have to find ways to be OK with just being OK. For OK to be JUST enough and good enough. To be content with the fact, that for us, it’s OK not to be over the moon excited about life when those dark times come OR ALL the time!

    BUT if I am completely honest, those dark days are the worst because it seems that you can just turn the light switch on and off with depression. I could be extremely happy and excited about something one moment but then something happens. It could be something I see or feel and then it is back down the doldrums! Also, when those dark times come, there is also fear. The fear of how bad it can be or if it would be worse than the last episode. The struggle is more real than anyone could ever comprehend. Unless, you, yourself have experienced this!

    The worst part of all this is that people who have never ever experienced these struggles try to empathize with you. I know for a fact that many are just trying to be compassionate and loving but I would just forgo hearing any kind of sympathy. For me, I would rather be hugged or be heard. Sometimes, withdrawing from people is almost a part of healing. For some, withdrawing is the most dangerous thing a person who has mental illness can do.

    All we want is to know that you are there…

    All we want to hear is that you will listen…

    All we want to hear is that you will be by our side no matter what…

    All we want to know is that a hug can be offered…

    That a shoulder that is available to cry on…

    All we want to know is you won’t fix it and you won’t try to fix it with your words…

    That we are NOT alone…

  • Encouragement
  • Just Stand


    To the one who just can’t take it anymore,

    I see you in your struggle

    The fight to stop all the bad thoughts from swirling in your head

    I see you

    I know you just want to throw your hands up in the air and give up

    I know you feel like everything you do is worthless


    I see how much you want to run away from it all

    To escape

    But you are exactly where you are right now for a reason

    A reason you may not understand

    No, God’s not picking on you

    He is doing something far greater than you can ever imagine

    No, He didn’t cause you to feel like this

    BUT whatever “THIS” is

    He has promised to ALWAYS see you through

    He has promised to ALWAYS be here for you

    He will never leave

    Know this, when you feel like you can’t fight these battles,

    He is fighting for you

    All He requires is that you stand

    Take heart

    Be of good courage

    Trust in Him

    Because this WILL pass

    In the meantime, cling onto Him

    Hold tightly

    Don’t lose hope

    Have faith

    He WILL see you through

    “Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.”

    Ephesians 6:13

  • Depression
  • If I can be honest

    If I can be honestimage

    1 week ago our family celebrated 7 years of being here in Midcoast Maine pastoring a church.

    7 years ago, I found myself in a weird transition in my life, mothering 2 babies under 2 years old. I was experiencing post part depression in the middle moving to Maine. I had no idea what was going on with me so I thought I was simply hating our move here. I thought I was just becoming a very bitter person. Not only did I have to adjust to life up here in general, but I had to adjust from being a full time working Mom to a full time stay at home Mom. Although, it was a dream of mine to stay home with the babies, I didn’t welcome the adjustment. For a long time, I honestly hated every bit of the change (while I made fun of those that HATE the word CHANGE) that we made by moving here. I couldn’t run away from it because I knew God had a specific call for us to be here.

    I was so deep in post partum and didn’t know it!

    I didn’t SEE anything good out of anything that was happening. I only saw every NEGATIVE thing.  I lost my joy. I lost the ability to laugh at the little things. I lost the ability to appreciate life itself, which should have been the complete opposite. We were on a new assignment from the Lord and just had a second baby 6 months before moving! Bella was turning two! On top of it all, I was married to a man who loves the Lord so much that he would be willing to lead the way by heeding the call of taking our little family to a place called Rockland, Maine! I should have been excited, but I WASN’T! Not sure how to explain all the things going on, but I sunk deeper in post partum and it eventually turned into depression.

    I didn’t really know what I was going through until after Zac was born—exactly 5 years ago. I started seeking help. I was ashamed to admit that I had depression and I didn’t tell anyone till 2 years ago about my struggle. I was so afraid of what it may mean to have to depression. In my mind, a person who believes in God and trusts in Him and believe that He is the Healer,  couldn’t possibly be ever depressed? I mean, He IS the SOURCE of our Joy, right? How could I lose my joy? How could I not see the good in anything?? I felt like withdrawing but couldn’t…I had to LOOK and ACT like I was ok, put a smile on and just keep pretending…I mean, a pastor’s wife is supposed to be OK, right? It seemed as if I was really faking it to make it…but there was a part of me that was OK but a lot of me was NOT OK. I couldn’t come grips with all the feelings swirling inside. I had a hard time being able to count our blessings! Anything and everything that came out of my mouth when family and friends from down south would ask how we were and how things were going, I never had anything positive to say…it was not good!

    So, each day, I am working on seeing! I am working on counting my blessings! On one of our rides to school a few weeks ago, the kids were talking about what they were thankful for. We talked about how thankful we were about school, our friends, our house, just everything! I started sharing with the kids in the car about how God has provided financially for a lot of things since we have been here! The songs playing in the car were talking about being thankful and the song that played last as the kids were leaving the car to go into school was,

    “O Taste and see that the Lord is good

    You have turned my mourning into dancing

    Put off my rags and clothed me with gladness

    And I will arise and

    I will praise you

    I’ll sing and not be silent”

    We have seen God do so many wonderful things! We have built community with our church and found lifetime friends who have welcomed us, southerners, to their way of life! Being far from family has its disadvantages but I am soooooo thankful for the friends that God has given us here! We are so extremely blessed by all of them-especially, in times where we needed emergency pick-ups from school, haircuts, mowing or plowing for us or even rescuing us from being stuck in a parking lot during a huge snow storm, making meals, helping us move almost 16 times from one house to another in the last 7 years, free babysitting, watching the baby while we move and unpack, friends who help us organize our house during our move…The list can literally go on and on! My heart is full and I am so thankful for all that God has given us these beautiful friends! I am also overwhelmed with the love and prayers that our family and friends at home have shown us! The support with phone calls, cards and emails or messages on facebook have meant the world to me! We wouldn’t be where we are without the prayer warriors that God specifically laid on their hearts to pray for our family and ministry!

    A very heartfelt, Thank you to all of our family and friends! 


  • Life Lessons
  • Memorial Day


     *written 11/13/20212, revised 5/30/16*

    A day where we all remember those who have fought bravely for our freedom. A day where most care mostly about the sales and the free meals but a day that I will never take for granted.

    You see, I came here for freedom. My whole family did! I wasn’t born into this brave and free country, we escaped to it to have a better and safe life.

    To make the long story short, we came here on Christmas Eve of 1989 from the Philippines. After years of thinking that we moved to the US for my parents to work at a missions organization as volunteer missionaries, my parents shared that we also came here because our safety was being threatened.

    So, this day means a whole lot to me! Like I said, I was not born into such freedom but came to seek freedom from those who threatened my family! It touches my heart when I see videos of the soldiers coming home to be with their families and hear the stories of the true life heroes of our day! Many have fought for our freedom and have given their lives! Many STILL fight to maintain our freedom. A sincere and heartfelt THANK YOU for those who have served! To those who are serving, THANK YOU and Keep up the good work and continue to be brave!