If I can be honest

1 week ago our family celebrated 7 years of being here in Midcoast Maine pastoring a church.

7 years ago, I found myself in a weird transition in my life, mothering 2 babies under 2 years old. I was experiencing post part depression in the middle moving to Maine. I had no idea what was going on with me so I thought I was simply hating our move here. I thought I was just becoming a very bitter person. Not only did I have to adjust to life up here in general, but I had to adjust from being a full time working Mom to a full time stay at home Mom. Although, it was a dream of mine to stay home with the babies, I didn’t welcome the adjustment. For a long time, I honestly hated every bit of the change (while I made fun of those that HATE the word CHANGE) that we made by moving here. I couldn’t run away from it because I knew God had a specific call for us to be here.

I was so deep in post partum and didn’t know it!

I didn’t SEE anything good out of anything that was happening. I only saw every NEGATIVE thing.  I lost my joy. I lost the ability to laugh at the little things. I lost the ability to appreciate life itself, which should have been the complete opposite. We were on a new assignment from the Lord and just had a second baby 6 months before moving! Bella was turning two! On top of it all, I was married to a man who loves the Lord so much that he would be willing to lead the way by heeding the call of taking our little family to a place called Rockland, Maine! I should have been excited, but I WASN’T! Not sure how to explain all the things going on, but I sunk deeper in post partum and it eventually turned into depression.

I didn’t really know what I was going through until after Zac was born—exactly 5 years ago. I started seeking help. I was ashamed to admit that I had depression and I didn’t tell anyone till 2 years ago about my struggle. I was so afraid of what it may mean to have to depression. In my mind, a person who believes in God and trusts in Him and believe that He is the Healer,  couldn’t possibly be ever depressed? I mean, He IS the SOURCE of our Joy, right? How could I lose my joy? How could I not see the good in anything?? I felt like withdrawing but couldn’t…I had to LOOK and ACT like I was ok, put a smile on and just keep pretending…I mean, a pastor’s wife is supposed to be OK, right? It seemed as if I was really faking it to make it…but there was a part of me that was OK but a lot of me was NOT OK. I couldn’t come grips with all the feelings swirling inside. I had a hard time being able to count our blessings! Anything and everything that came out of my mouth when family and friends from down south would ask how we were and how things were going, I never had anything positive to say…it was not good!

So, each day, I am working on seeing! I am working on counting my blessings! On one of our rides to school a few weeks ago, the kids were talking about what they were thankful for. We talked about how thankful we were about school, our friends, our house, just everything! I started sharing with the kids in the car about how God has provided financially for a lot of things since we have been here! The songs playing in the car were talking about being thankful and the song that played last as the kids were leaving the car to go into school was,

“O Taste and see that the Lord is good

You have turned my mourning into dancing

Put off my rags and clothed me with gladness

And I will arise and

I will praise you

I’ll sing and not be silent”

We have seen God do so many wonderful things! We have built community with our church and found lifetime friends who have welcomed us, southerners, to their way of life! Being far from family has its disadvantages but I am soooooo thankful for the friends that God has given us here! We are so extremely blessed by all of them-especially, in times where we needed emergency pick-ups from school, haircuts, mowing or plowing for us or even rescuing us from being stuck in a parking lot during a huge snow storm, making meals, helping us move almost 16 times from one house to another in the last 7 years, free babysitting, watching the baby while we move and unpack, friends who help us organize our house during our move…The list can literally go on and on! My heart is full and I am so thankful for all that God has given us these beautiful friends! I am also overwhelmed with the love and prayers that our family and friends at home have shown us! The support with phone calls, cards and emails or messages on facebook have meant the world to me! We wouldn’t be where we are without the prayer warriors that God specifically laid on their hearts to pray for our family and ministry!

A very heartfelt, Thank you to all of our family and friends! 

 

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