I was struggling.
I cried myself to bed every night almost the whole month of November and I warned Chris that I was not doing well.
“Something is wrong, I am sick.” He knows exactly what I mean when I say that.
I was trying to figure out what was going on, but I had felt that for the first time in a long time, I was out of control. I would send late texts to two friends who knew my struggle with depression, but I wouldn’t come right out and tell them I was struggling. I would just text that I missed them.
This felt different and maybe even worse than any other episode before.
I was grieving the change of life and DESPAIR crept in and stayed.
I had no one to turn to, other than Chris.
Feelings of shame came over me again about being depressed, because you know, “Christians aren’t supposed to get depressed,” but this time, it was worse than it had ever been before.
We had just moved back to VA about 6 months ago and yes, I missed my life in Maine. I missed my friends; I missed every bit of everything…I missed the ocean, I EVEN missed the cold air.
I was pushing myself to do well as a wife, as a Mom, a student and someone who worked a part-time job…BUT, the change…
IT WAS HARD…I have always thought that I encouraged change, but I have to admit, I don’t like it when it happens!
I was desperate for help; I called my counselor in Maine…we had a deep heart to heart, and she was very concerned. I had to admit to her that I had not found a counselor since we moved. I had to admit that I was having a hard time.
That night, I heard this voice that said, “May, this time, this depression is going to kill you. You are going to die. This one is definitely going to take you out…”
I tossed and turned.
I thought that if I went to bed, I would die, not because I would inflict death on myself by suicide.
The pit I was in was just darker than ever.
I didn’t think I could get out.
Not this time.
I sent a text to my professor because it was midnight…His mental health counseling student was in need of a counselor and had no one to turn to. I told my professor that I was sick. I had never used the word, “debilitating” to describe my depression but it was the best way to describe how I was feeling. I told him I was dying slowly inside. Yes, he asked all the necessary questions about suicidal thoughts, but I said no I didn’t have a plan BUT, I was having a really hard time and I couldn’t sleep. We texted and spoke to each other. God had him beside his phone somehow and no time difference prevented him from seeing my texts…I hated ADMITTING this to him or anyone for that matter. He prayed over me and finally I went to sleep without fear. I had to promise to keep in touch.
I failed a class and got a D in another class that semester…yes, with 2 weeks left. I was doing so well in those classes but because I couldn’t function well enough to finish my finals, I was a mess. I felt weak.
Something about Clinical Depression, you don’t know when it will hit or how BAD it would be. For years, I did SO well to hide my inward cries for help, the screaming in my pillow, the long hot showers to drown out the cries. Before my story was ever told 4 years ago, I was a pro at masking my struggle with depression.
I believed that I had seen the worst of clinical depression, before this one.
I that I wouldn’t go through this anymore. I learned great coping skills.
I knew when to tell Chris. He knew and continues to know what to look out for.
I learned pretty awesome coping skills.
Worship, reading the Bible was my weapon to fight this depression to the curb…I even told people that Praise is a Weapon and believe it…BUT, this time I was having a hard time.
As I made myself spend time with the Lord…I was thinking, journaling and reading God’s Word, then, FINALLY:
I realized that voice that said, “May, this time, this depression is going to kill you. You are going to die. This one is definitely going to take you out…”
Was not the voice of my Heavenly Father.
It was the voice of the enemy who has been so desperate to take me out with this depression…not just to, ‘discourage me’ type of lie but really, to KILL me with the depression.
I realized that I have known the difference between the “father of lies” voice and my Heavenly Father. I HEARD the Liar…so audibly clear that I should have known not to dwell in his lies or let fear take over me…
I stand on that…THE PROMISE of KNOWING MY FATHER’S VOICE….
I got behind our keyboard sang my heart out to the LORD-To the audience of ONE, my Heavenly Father, who has healed me inside and out. I worshipped and used the weapon of Praise to FIGHT this battle. I sang until I had the release of PEACE in my heart and in my mind…I didn’t just sing but believed the lyrics of all the songs. The lyrics became my prayer, a blessing over my life, promises of the Lord to me…
“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11
The song, Cover Me is one of the songs I actually took a video of because it was a Stone of Remembrance for me and what the Lord had done that night. His presence brings so much peace!
I share this because I want you to know that you, my friend, are not alone. Most of all, I write this to encourage you to learn to HEAR the Heavenly Father’s voice so that you can distinguish His voice from the liar who comes to steal, kill and destroy. If you are struggling, I pray that the Peace of God would surround your heart and your mind right now. I also pray that you find the courage to find help. If you ever want to reach out, please don’t hesitate to email me at chappells4@gmail.com
