Dear Mama,
I see you…
I hear you…
I understand your overwhelming feelings…
Most of all, I understand that all you WANT TO DO is not feel guilty about the bond you don’t automatically feel right now or haven’t felt when you found out you were pregnant or when you first held your precious baby…
In the next few pictures, you will see, I may have a smile on my face but with all my 4, I didn’t feel that instant bond.
I didn’t feel a connection with the kids. While I held them physically, my heart and my mind were a million miles away from the little gift that I was holding.
I felt guilty.
This baby deserved to be with a Mommy who really connected to their children.
This baby deserved to be with a Mommy who cared.
This baby deserved to be with anyone other than me.
I longed to feel and look like the loving parent who was automatically in-love with their child.
I was mad at my husband for being natural at nurturing.
I was jealous that he looked at each baby with so much love, no matter how tired. He REALLY loved them!
The other siblings loved the baby, they wanted to cuddle and be with them.
I felt like I was a robot. I did what I needed to do: get up every few hours, feed the baby…Other Moms always loved their time when it came to breastfeeding because it ENHANCED the bonding experience. I did NOT feel any of that!
I started to wonder if God made a mistake in allowing me to carry and bear a child. I didn’t feel automatic love for them.
I needed help…Not only was I disconnected from them, I was the moodiest person that ever existed on the planet. I was tired, I had no energy.
I couldn’t just “snap out of it.”
My husband was happy being a Dad. He radiated it from his very being and I did not understand. The more frustrated I got with myself.
Something was wrong with me!
Dearest Momma, reading this…You are definitely not alone and no, you aren’t a bad Mommy for feeling these things. And your baby is blessed to have you as their Mom. It’s ok to ask for help. As a matter of fact, don’t let it go as long as I let mine go.
Up to 6% of women will experience a major depressive episode during pregnancy or in the first year following delivery. It is also estimated that 50% of all MDD episodes actually begin prior to delivery or postpartum. For this reason, all episodes are referred to collectively as “peripartum.”
Any woman can experience postpartum depression and it has no relationship to a woman’s capacity to be a good mother. With treatment, she can feel better (https://nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Depression/Major-Depressive-Disorder-with-Peripartum-Onset).
If you are struggling with this, call your OBGYN or PCP or call this number at:
Call the National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline at:
800-950-NAMI
Or in a crisis, text “NAMI” to 741741
Or Call or Text 988-the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline!
Please seek help!
Love,
May
