A week ago, I was asked to share about the Balancing Act of a woman in ministry, wife and mother. For a couple of months, I struggled to write down all my thoughts because through this process, I was and still am trying to figure out how to balance the everyday life of being a woman, wife and mom. I only knew that there were too many thoughts going on in my head of how to even begin my little talk.
Let me start with this…
As a woman, I am trying to figure out my place in this world. Especially in being a minister’s wife. I had no idea, that a minister’s wife required so much and no one really gave me a job description. You kind of just learn things as you go. If you know of a minister’s wife who has been in the ministry for a while, I would encourage all young couples, especially, the women to ask as many questions as possible before and during your time of ministry. When Chris and I started as associate pastors at the church I grew up in, my role wasn’t quiet defined. I was just there, did my own thing—was involved in the choir, drama, and youth ministry and wherever else I needed to be, but not really there, for my husband as a minister. I just learned to understand that some nights, he would be in meetings and or meet with people during the day. I worked full time, so at the time, I had my own world to handle. I had no understanding of what it was to be a part of the ministry with Chris. BUT that only I was a part because I was Chris’ wife. It was not until, we became senior pastors at a church that I became aware of me not just being there with Chris, but that I had some roles to play. It required me to be head of certain things that I wasn’t particularly ready for or even want to be head of! But with time, I was learning what those roles were. I realized at the time that I could not only appear to be a part of Chris, but to be an active minister along his side. A minister’s wife requires you to wear many hats—women’s ministry coordinator, youth and children’s ministry leader, clean up coordinator, but more importantly an absorber to all the things the senior pastor, your husband, has to listen to and sometimes, even get hurt by, and you as a minister’s wife, become a protector for your husband. A sounding board to all his and even the parishioners thoughts. An encourager and a means to provide strength when there isn’t any.
You and your husband are ONE, a TEAM. You work together to find out God’s will for your lives as well as His will for the ministry He is leading you in. You will not survive in a marriage where one lives to fulfill there own dreams at their own time…You work together to fulfill the dreams God has planted in BOTH of you.
As a wife and mother you also wear many hats. You are keeper of the home, but doesn’t mean that you stay in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant as some say. It means, you take pride in your home…you don’t clean 24/7 but you take pride in it—you don’t want to live in a pigsty! If you work outside of the home, it’s hard to keep things balanced with being tired of work, coming home to cleaning and watching the kids, but somehow, with your husband’s help, everything doesn’t seem so bad. While your husband sleeps soundly at night, you lay in your bed half awake and hear every sound your kids make in the next room and if any of them spike a fever or get sick of any kind, you, are the one who runs automatically to your child, and still manage to get up early in the morning to make sure you get ready, get all the lunches packed, take the sick child to the doctor and still go to work! After work, you get dinner ready, give the kids a bath and dress them for bed and make time for your husband. Being a wife and Mommy is not easy, but you get it done.
As I have said in the beginning, as a wife, you have to realize that you are in a team with your husband. You figure out the different responsibilities of the home with him, who will cook, who will take out the trash, who is the handy person in the house, who is the designated cleaner of the bathroom, kitchen or the bedrooms, handling bills, etc. Since you are a team, it makes the housework so much easier rather than one who focuses on ALL the chores!
As a wife, your role is to help keep your marriage relationship alive. You don’t want to be one of the statistics where marriages fall apart after your kids go off to school. You don’t stop pursuing each other because you have gotten married. If you used to write your husband love notes, keep it up! If you used to make things as memento’s from special things you did together, don’t stop that either. Keep loving and respecting your husband. Be a part of his team, be available for him. Take pride in yourself too, don’t let him come home to a messy and haggard looking wife—as one marriage book says! Also, work together in trying to figure out how to discipline your kids and how to handle different situations. Always, keep the lines of communication open and talk as much as you can! How can you be more a team? Just talk about it and never be afraid to evaluate how you two can do things better together.
With all this said…
I am far from figuring things out nor do I do everything that I have written. I am still in the learning mode! I have not figured anything out nor have I perfected anything! Since I have been married, been in the ministry and had kids, I have had moments where my overwhelming feelings have overtaken my whole outlook on life…making me unpleasant to be around. I know that because I had been told. I had spent many nights crying and just feeling unworthy, even regret, of where I was in life. I felt depressed, to the point where I had told Chris I needed some professional help! I had lost the unction to function, because of being overwhelmed by all the changes and responsibilities of my life, that I stopped dreaming and stopped really spending time with God, because I was too “busy” feeling sorry for myself! With this being said, I became just the body of MayMay and not really the woman, wife and Mom God called me to be. I lost my identity of who I was in God, which is supposed to help me in my roles as a woman, wife and mother. I lived in a constant party of PITY-full of “Woe is me and why me?” moments, the feelings of being punished rather than feeling the blessings of life!
A conversation I had last summer with my sister-in-law really opened my eyes to certain things. She has 3 kids and is a stay at home Mom. But she wasn’t always a stay at home Mom, but it was her prayer that after her and her husband had kids, she would be able to stay home and God really has provided a way for her to do so. I asked her, “How do you do it? I don’t think I can do this!” At the time, I felt like I gave up the work that I actually loved doing to stay home, something I wished to do, but didn’t realize how hard it was, so I was beside myself! Not to mention, we just moved to a new state where we were 14-16 hours from family and starting a new ministry. My sister-in-law said, “I do it and it’s not always easy, but God’s grace is new everyday and I look to Him everyday! Sometimes, you have to make yourself go into your prayer closet and ask for guidance and strength because you clearly, cannot do it yourself!” For a long time, I was just stuck in this rut, in a mess, because I lost sight of who I-was.
A verse that kept coming to my mind was the 23rd Psalm which clearly states and I will write the quick commentary for it that I found to be helpful:
“The Lord is my Shepherd”- Relationship
“I shall not want” -Supply
“He maketh me to lie down in green pastures” -Rest
“He leadeth me beside still waters”-Refreshment
“He restoreth my soul”- Healing
“He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness”-Guidance
“For His name Sake”- Purpose
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death”-Testing
“I will fear no evil”- Protection
“For Thou art with me” -Faithfulness
“Thy Rod and Thy staff they comfort me” -Discipline
“Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies” -Hope
“Thou annointest my head with oil”- Consecration
“My cup runneth over”- Abundance
“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life” – Blessing
“And I will dwell in the house of the Lord” -Security
“Forever”- Eternity
When you go back to the basics—understanding who You are and that God made you for His special purpose, you can conquer anything. “He is the perfecter and finisher of our faith!” From the beginning of time, He has written everything that is supposed to happen for our lives. His promises are always sure. Times of stress come along with everyday life and serving God, we should never lose sight of God. When we do, that’s when we wallow ourselves in self pity and forget who we are and we see everything without promise or hope. When God is the basis of everything we do, God will give us the strength to fulfill the task He has set before us, no matter what role you play and how many hats you wear! Being a minister, a minister’s wife and a Mother comes with it’s everyday challenges but also has very many rewards! I would not trade anything for the world for what I have now and I try to remember to be thankful each day for ALL that God has given me. Consider the hard times a lesson in your faith and grow from the experiences, don’t dwell on how bad you have it in life!
If you are trapped in this self pity and depression because you have lost sight of your purpose—Go into His presence, lay at His feet a while. Ask Him for forgiveness and let Christ fill you with the Love that He has been longing to show You! Let Him begin to tell you again, how wonderful and priceless you are and let Him tell you all the plans that He has for you! Let Him fill you with hope and the peace that you have been longing for!
“Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race that is marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2
“Our father’s disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good that we may share in His holiness.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on however,
it produces, a righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:10-11
So blessed to read your blog – I can hear to talk! Amen and Amen!