The Robber of Rest

**This article of mine was featured in April this year by the Maine Gospel Coalition. In light of the rise in suicide in the United States due to Mental Illness, this came at the perfect time to share with you all my story. I have shared it before but I want everyone to know that YOU are NEVER ALONE. Silence is death and suffering alone is not a good idea. Yes, you probably have gotten help before but sometimes, you need more help. Please, call the number in the attached picture below!**

 

 

The Robber of Rest

by May Chappell

I simply could not take it anymore. I wanted to run away. I wanted to run away from myself, but I didn’t know how . . . except to run. I looked for plane tickets. I looked for train tickets. I didn’t have a destination. My options were limited. Driving it was. The next question on my list was, “Do I take my kids or just the baby?” I was just going to go with it. I was folding laundry and finally told my husband, Chris, that I needed to talk to him. All I could say was, “This is so hard.” I let out a scream — an earth-shattering scream — and tears started to fall. Without hesitation, Chris came up to me and said, “Let’s pray.”

I simply responded, “There is no prayer that you can pray that will help me right now. I don’t want you to pray because it does not work. I am sick and you cannot do anything about it. I am leaving as soon as I get packed.”

Depression is a real thing.

I never really understood it until it became a little too late. The difference this time was that I knew I needed so much more help than ever before. I had been seeing a counselor for the past three years, since baby number three was born. When I thought I was better, I went infrequently; but this was different.

When I became pregnant with baby number four, I was afraid I would get worse. Sure enough, with all the hormones raging, my darkness became a constant thing that I did not understand. This incident was the icing on top of the cake. I had a mental breakdown.

I love God. I had faith through all of this. I knew He was there for me, but all I could sense was utter silence. I felt that I was far from Him and His presence. My pit was so dark that I couldn’t even feel or sense anything. Here I was, a pastor’s wife, getting ready to leave her husband because I was lost to myself.

Someone dear to our family asked my husband, “You didn’t pray for your wife and ask God to deliver her from this?”My husband said, “She needs a doctor to help her on top of all this prayer.”

My first visit to the psychiatrist filled me with anxiety and a little bit of hope. Hope in knowing that I was not as crazy as I thought. BUT, what concerned me the most was what the church would actually think of me. I know the whispers; I know the thoughts of people because I have been there. I have said the same thing about others who were depressed. Christians did not get depressed. They did not have anxiety. They did not have any kind of mental illness . . . because to do so meant they were not fully relying on God.

The psychiatrist, whom I do not believe to be a person of faith, sat back in his chair and said to me, “May, I want you to know that depression is like a sickness, a cold, that you get. Sometimes you need to see a doctor to help you get rid of it. Mental illness is a sickness but has no real outward symptoms until it gets really bad. You are no less of a Christian for going through this. This depression does not mean you love God any less either. You are sick right now and need help.”

As he spoke, it felt like God was speaking right through him, words I really needed to hear. This was not willful sin in my case. This was the effect of a world broken by sin. The Puritan, Richard Baxter, in his poignant work, The Cure of Melancholy and Overmuch Sorrow, by Faith, outlines the possible reasons for depression as being related to any or all of the following: tragic conditions, the demonic, an impatient temperament, mental and physical illness, sin, ignorance of the Gospel, lack of edification from other believers, fear of hardship, and rebellion against God’s sovereignty.

When we have a relationship with God, we experience new life. We come to know the love that Christ has for us. We walk with Him and, as we spend time with Him, we learn about the plans He has for us. We hope in these plans. No one ever said that serving God would be easy, but some people are often misled into thinking that we are never to experience hardship of any kind. Let’s face it, we live in a world that is full of sin, so things like sickness abound.

Christian counselor, Mark Mounts says, “Christians feel guilty about being depressed. They feel they ‘should know better.’ This leads to denial, which only makes matters worse.” Leaders in ministry are always helping people. They have a heart for others. Who do they turn to when they also need help? Who keeps them accountable? Are they really immune to things like depression? If not, how do they handle it?

When ministry does not turn out as expected a pastor or leader can often experience discouragement and if there is no change, this discouragement can often lead to depression. Matthew Stanford, a professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at Baylor University, has said that one in four pastors is depressed. Discouragement is a persistent contributing factor.

There may be expectations on church leaders that are impossible to meet. Leaders often believe that we have to put on our best face, make everyone think that we are much stronger than we actually are and that we are immune to unhappiness.

In an article by The Gospel Coalition, Paul David Tripp talks about dealing with the discouragement and depression cycle:

We try to meet unrealistic expectations of the church body that a pastor or leader is called to the position they are in and we can’t mess up . . . It is spiritual warfare every day, we have to pray to be sanctified each day. When we do not meet the expectations of the people, we become disappointed. The balance between family and ministry can often lead to discouragement because we are forced to somehow choose between the two. The tension that exists in family and ministry robs us of the joy in serving the Lord. There is also the fear of man. We want to get the reaction of the people that only God can deliver. The criticisms, good and bad, can lead to discouragement. The pursuit of other glories in doing ministry rather than God’s and expanding His Kingdom can set us up to let people down. God wants control. God wants to make His glory known. We are in ministry to do just that, not for personal gain.

Depression can visit anyone.

There is still a stigma that surrounds depression and various forms of legitimate mental illness. Depression does not necessitate that I no longer have faith or love God with all my heart. It need not have the final say. When it comes to the Church’s response to those in her midst who are suffering from this affliction, the main thing is this — we need to be able to talk about it. Suffering in silence is the killer; accountability is the key.

It took me a long time to be able to open up about this. I have had good days and some bad days. I take each day one at a time, submitting all my cares and worries to Him. Some days, I let the fear of my darkest time get to me and it overwhelms me, but even then, I am reminded to surrender that fear. My youngest child turned two at the end of December. He is a daily reminder of where God has brought me from and where God is taking me now in my walk with Him through all of this.

 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.Psalm 23:4

God has used something that almost took my life and He is making something beautiful from it. God has used depression to show me His purpose and sovereignty in my life. I am to fully rest in Him. I would go through this again, no matter how horrible the dark times were, just so I could be where God has me now.

My prayer for you, today, no matter where you are, is that our Heavenly Father, would surround you with His love and peace. May His Light continue to shine in your darkness. May you be filled with the presence of the Holy Spirit, so that you know His plan for you is good and not to harm you.

 

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Psalm 30:5 

In Jesus Name, Amen!

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living!

Wait for the LORD;

be strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the LORD!”

Psalm 27:13-14